The Definition of 'Bad Again'
by iliketocolor
Summary: Sequel to 'Impressions of Himself' Spoilers for season 4. Sam Evans finds himself going back to old habits to cope with his senior year. Trigger Warning for Self Harm and Eating Disorder (Anorexia). No Slash. Pretty much follows the story except for the past that I've given Sam from previous story.
1. Chapter 1

Sam's senior year was going better than he could have imagined even if he was still living away from his family. When school started, it was a little weird to be back. The glee club was national champs and their new found popularity was certainly welcomed. It only did last about a week though. The glee kids just weren't cut out to hang out with the cheerleaders and jocks. Sam really thought it was for the better anyway. He didn't want anyone to ask too many questions about his life.

However, he'd gotten more comfortable mentioning his stripper past during glee every so often. He also managed to win the student election with Blaine and the two of them were becoming better friends every day. The two kept each other grounded and they helped each other out. Blaine helped to keep Sam eating normally and was there if Sam ever wanted to hurt himself. Sam was there for Blaine when he and Kurt broke up and when he almost transferred back to Dalton.

Then, Sam got together with Britney after their sectionals loss. He had always liked talking with Britney. He felt like they understood each other and he didn't feel so stupid when he was with her. She didn't act weird around him because of his past or his problems and Sam really needed that, especially after sectionals.

Marley's eating disorder brought up a struggle inside of him. He understood a lot about Marley and could see how anybody could get carried away in the self-hatred of their own body. His body dysmorphic disorder had gotten much better recently. But as they stood in the choir room watching Marley drift in and out of consciousness, Sam had the feeling that his life was going to be changing soon. With the New Directions having lost sectionals, it meant that the glee club was over for the year. Sam didn't like the idea of not seeing his friends every day in the choir room just singing and supporting each other.

But then again, the world was supposed to end in about a month anyway, so Sam decided not to worry about it too much. Instead, he married Britney and they spent their last few days showing everyone around them how much they were appreciated.

Surprisingly though, the world didn't end on December 22nd and he knew he had to do something. Now that they had more time on the planet, Sam knew he had to figure out how the Warbler's won sectionals. There was something fishy about their performance and Sam knew that the New Directions were the ones that should have won.

Finally, after an intense investigation on his part, he succeeded in finding out that the Warblers had cheated at sectionals by using steroids.

With the word finally out about the Warblers, the New Directions had a lot to do to prepare for regionals. That included raising money to go. Tina was the one to come up with the idea of a Men of McKinley calendar, but the glee calendar was something Sam was oddly excited about. He knew he was good at being sexy and a shirtless photo-shoot was definitely something Sam would help with. Sam thought things were going to be okay for a while.

It wasn't until after their morning glee meeting that day that he realized he was very wrong about the direction his life was taking. Sam and Britney sat in Mr. Figgins office as he talked about the SATs. Sam stared at Mr. Figgins as he told Sam that he got the lowest score ever on the SATs, a 340. He wanted to cry. All the progress he'd made in the past year seemed to dissolve and he hated himself. He felt so ridiculous. He was so stupid to think that he actually had a chance at being good for something other than his body. His mind went numb as all he could think about was how he really wasn't good for anything. He could barely focus as Britney sat next to him, telling him he didn't need to go to college and that his body was amazing and all the things he could still do. He stared at the floor and tried not to think about the complete failure that he really was.

He spent the rest of his day fighting against the urge to tear open his skin with the first sharp thing he could find. He couldn't stand that he'd actually begun to believe that he had a chance at being normal. They'd told him to start eating properly, stop counting calories and working out nonstop. He'd given in and now he hated to think about how much weight he'd probably put on over the past couple months.

As the bell rang for lunch Sam sighed. He wasn't hungry at all. He probably should have been, but he just couldn't even stomach the thought of food, let alone actually eat something. He knew he needed to find a way to get out of being at lunch. He would spend all his time in the gym from now on. He was supposed to eat lunch with Blaine like he always did now a days, but he texted him as he walked into the locker room.

"**Can't eat with you today. Have to meet with Tina about the calendar."**

Sam hated lying to him, but he hoped Blaine would accept it and not ask questions. A minute later, his phone vibrated with a reply from Blaine. **"It's cool, I should get some student council stuff done anyway. Make sure you get something to eat."**

Sam rolled his eyes at his phone before throwing it back in his bag. He quickly changed into sweats and weighed himself. As the scaled settled on a number, Sam closed his eyes and sighed. The rest of his lunch hour he spent working out, hitting the punching bag and making sure to keep tears from his eyes.

When the bell rang again, signaling his next class, he knew it was pointless. He knew that he shouldn't waste his time in classes when he should be working out and making sure his body was perfect for the calendar and his probable future as a stripper again. He ditched all his classes and spent the day working out in the gym and avoiding coach Bieste, knowing she'd send him back to classes if she knew he had been there all day.

* * *

The next day, Sam decided he just couldn't care anymore. He skipped breakfast, thankful that Carole had stopped watching his eating habits so closely. Finn was already at the tire shop, getting in some hours before he would have to be at McKinley for glee. Burt was in Washington and Carole was still getting ready for work, so Sam grabbed his stuff and slipped out the door, not even tempting himself by going in the kitchen.

He wore nothing but his swim shorts and walked into McKinley knowing his body was the only thing he had going for him. When Blaine brought up his failing the SATs, Sam knew his day would be rough if everyone knew about his stupidity.

He held a seminar in the locker room for the guys, giving them all the tips he had for having a rockin' body, stripping, and being shirtless professionally. He put all his energy into working out and making sure his body was better than it ever was. He knew what he was doing was probably dangerous. He knew that so many people had worked to keep him healthy and safe, but he just didn't care anymore. He felt completely fat and worthless and he knew that no one else would understand that. He grabbed some fruit and a granola bar for lunch that day, knowing he at least had to have something in him to keep up his exercise routine and to show his friends he was actually eating. Unlike Marley, he knew how to handle this whole eating disorder thing. He wasn't fooling himself anymore, he knew he was going into eating disorder territory, but he didn't care. He was so confused with himself and how one minute he could know he was sexier than the other guys and then the next minute hate his body so much. It really didn't make any sense to him.

The next day in glee, the boys did their performance of 'Hot in Here'. Even as everyone clapped and Finn shouted about how amazing their performance was, Sam couldn't get excited. He knew he wasn't good enough.

The shoot for the calendar later that day was going really well. Everyone was fit and knew what they were doing because Sam made sure they were perfect even if he couldn't be.

It was finally his turn in front of the camera and Tina called for some other guys to be in the shot too. Sam hid his feeling of self-hatred. He knew Tina wanted the others in the shot because Sam wasn't good enough. But he played it off, saying he was too good for the others to be in the shot with him. He didn't want to snap at them and sound conceded. But it was the only way he could hide just how much he actually hated himself. He hated what was going on in his head. His stomach hurt so badly, but he need to work out more. With all the talking, he'd lost his puff. His muscles looked flat and he needed a five minute break.

After telling off everyone in the group, he walked to the back and started lifting weights. Blaine walked over to Sam and told him he was being a jerk.

He sat down and opened up to Blaine. He was exhausted. Focusing on his weight and what he ate all the time, took all his energy, but Blaine told him to relax. No one cared how much body fat he had, they would all still like him.

He really thought about what Blaine said about relaxing and actually eating junk food or skipping a work out. He couldn't do that. He wanted to so desperately. But he knew that his body was his only option now.

Later, Blaine and Ms. Pillsbury called him into her office. As they talked about his future options, he knew they were just trying to help, but he just couldn't believe that he would ever get into and be able to afford college. He didn't even know what he would do if he even got in. He agreed to look into the schools and thanked them for helping.

Back at the Hudson-Hummel's that night, Sam barely ate. Carole made meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Sam knew he couldn't skip dinner. Even though Carole had become more relaxed about watching him, skipping a meal would send out a warning. He ate a piece of meatloaf and a spoonful of mashed potatoes before thinking up a reason to leave the table. Carole and Finn were talking about the tire shop and Sam knew this was his chance.

"So I have to go work on some homework, thanks for dinner Carole."

"Of course Sam, Let me know if you need help."

Sam smiled and went to his room. He did have homework, but he really didn't want to do it. He still didn't see a point in high school anymore. He took off his sweatshirt and stared at his arm. His scars were fading and he was actually oddly thankful for that. He had been using a scar reducing cream, hoping that they would become less noticeable. He was so stupid to cut on his arm, those scars would need to go away if he were to somehow use his body for his future career.

He wanted to cut. He ran his hand over the fading scars and sighed. He couldn't give in, everyone would hate him. He pulled out his phone and called Blaine.

"Hey Sam" Blaine answered after a couple rings.

"Blaine, uh, what are you up to?" Sam asked hesitantly.

"Just doing some homework, you?"

"Same… I was just wondering if you wanted to come over and play some video games or something."

"Uh, sure... Gimme like an hour, cool?"

He looked at the clock. He could hold out until then, just get some homework done, maybe take a shower, something. "Yeah. Sweet. See you then."

Sam hung up and went to take a quick shower before doing his homework. He sighed as he tried to do the reading for his English class. It was certainly getting a little better than it used to be, but he still didn't want to get a tutor like that Ryder kid. There was no point in pretending he was going to ever be good at school. About half an hour after he'd given up reading and gone onto his math homework, Finn knocked at the door.

"Hey Sam, Blaine is here. Says you guys have plans."

Sam smiled and put his pencil down. "Thanks." Sam said as he opened the door. "We're gonna play some xbox if you wanna join."

"Yeah, cool man."

The three spent a couple hours playing video games and Sam was actually keeping his mind off of everything. He thought he was doing pretty well at least.

At around 10 Blaine stood up and stretched.

"I should be getting home guys. I'll see you tomorrow Finn." Blaine paused and glanced at Sam. "Sam, can I talk to you real quick?"

Sam put down his controller and smiled. "Sure man."

The two walked to the front door and Blaine put on his coat. "Sam, are you doing okay? Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out, but you sounded pretty desperate on the phone."

Sam ran his palm over his face and sighed. "Yeah, I'm cool now. I just kinda wanted, well, I was…"

Blaine smiled slightly. "Don't worry. I get it. Glad I could hang out. You're fine for tonight?"

Sam nodded and patted Blaine's shoulder. "Yeah, thanks man."

* * *

The next day, Sam apologized to Artie. He knew he had been a jerk and he really did want Artie to be involved. So he talked with Artie and told him he wouldn't be the only guy wearing a shirt in the calendar. Sam would be covered up too. He kind of figured it was better anyway. His body was probably too fat compared to the other guys.

After they finished the pictures, Blaine asked Sam to meet him in an empty classroom. Blaine wanted to help with Sam's essay for colleges, but Sam just wasn't all that up for it. He didn't know what to say about himself. He didn't feel like he had anything to really be proud of. He had been a prostitute for fuck's sake, what college would want that?

Sam should have known Blaine would come prepared though. He placed a computer in front of Sam and Sam began to cry as he watched the video of all his friends saying how amazing he was. He hugged Blaine and couldn't believe what everyone was saying about him. He didn't understand why he couldn't feel the same way about himself that his friends did. They apparently saw a whole different Sam than the guy he saw.

He knew he couldn't let all of these people down. They saw something good in Sam and he would try to succeed for them. The only problem was that he still didn't feel okay. He still didn't want to eat anything and he could feel himself spiraling back into his self-loathing.

On Monday, Sam was glad it was diva week. With his friends fighting about which one of them was the biggest diva, no one would focus on him. He did think it was kind of ridiculous as Ms. Pillsbury announced the competition and Marley, Unique, and Tina immediately went into some smack talk about who was the bigger diva but he hadn't eaten a real meal in a several days and he was too tired to care.

Then Santana showed up. She bitched him out about dating Britney and he was far too tired to deal with her bullshit. He was dating Britney now and honestly, he kind of needed her. He couldn't tell Santana that, but he would fight for her.

* * *

Over the next couple weeks, Sam was getting thinner and thinner. He thought he was looking pretty good though. The endless workouts and dances in glee kept him busy and fit. His diet consisted of a small dinner every night and maybe a granola bar at lunch if he couldn't find an excuse to get out of eating with everyone. It wasn't until Fued week that people were beginning to catch on.

After glee on Wednesday Marley ran after him in the hall. "Sam, wait!"

Sam turned around and smiled to cover how tired he was. "Hey, what's up Marley?"

"Sam I need to talk to you about something."

"Uh, sure what about?" He asked as they walked towards his locker.

"I know what you're doing Sam." She spoke timidly but at the same time there was a confidence in her voice that made Sam wonder what she was talking about.

"Okay…" he said, dragging out the word in confusion. "What am I doing?"

"Not eating, exercising nonstop. Sam, didn't you learn anything from me fainting on stage? You can't starve yourself." Marley was genuinely concerned. She didn't know Sam that well and she obviously didn't know about his past, but she didn't want someone else to be doing what she had done to herself.

"I don't know what you're talking about Marley."

"Sam, your clothes are huge on you and you always look tired. No one has seen you eat more than a granola bar or piece of fruit in weeks. And I talked to my mom; you don't ever get anything at lunch anymore."

Sam huffed and did the combination on his locker. "Look Marley, I'm not you, okay. I know what I'm doing and I've had a dietician. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Marley didn't believe him, but she knew she wasn't going to be the one to get through to him. "Yeah, okay Sam. Just, I'm here if you ever need…"

"Thanks Marley. I'll see you in glee tomorrow." He shut his locker and put his bag over his shoulder. He would have to be smarter. If Marley was catching on, it was only a matter of time before everyone else did too.

* * *

Marley didn't know who to go to. She could talk to Britney, but she wasn't sure Britney would actually take her seriously; Britney seemed sort of clueless about most everything. Blaine would know what to do, or even Finn. She walked back to the choir room, hoping that Finn would still be in there.

"Finn?"

"Marley, what's going on?" He asked, glancing up from the sheet music on top of the piano.

Marley looked around, double checking that no one else was still in the room too. "Um… I'm kind of worried about Sam."

Finn pushed the papers aside and walked slowly towards Marley. Finn was always looking out for Sam, he had really taken a big brother role to Sam lately, and if someone who didn't know Sam's past was worried, then Finn knew something was up. "About Sam? What are you worried about?"

Marley wondered what was going on. She didn't think that Finn would look so serious when she hadn't even told him yet. "Well, I just… I don't think he's been eating lately… And he's too thin… I think he might have an eating disorder or something."

Finn thought back to the past couple weeks. He never saw Sam eat breakfast, but that was just because they didn't wake up at the same time. He wasn't around for lunch, so he'd have to take Marley's word on that. But Sam always ate something at dinner. He was sure of that. He wasn't exactly watching everything Sam ate, but he knew Sam was there at the table eating. His mom would have made a big deal about it if he wasn't.

"Thanks for looking out for him Marley. I'm going to look into this, okay?" He placed his hand on her shoulder and smiled.

She nodded and clutched her books tighter to her chest, hoping that Finn really would look into it.

As soon as Marley left the choir room, Finn took out his phone and called Blaine.

"Blaine," he said as soon as Blaine answered. "I gotta ask you something."

Blaine laughed. "If it's about whether that sweater you had on today clashed with your shoes, yes, it did."

Finn smiled. "Thanks, but no," he responded lightly. "I was wondering how Sam has been doing… Like at lunch and stuff."

Blaine paused for a moment. He had been walking out to his car, actually, going to head to the park to go running with Sam.

"I don't really know. We don't really eat together a lot anymore. He doesn't show up most days but when he does, I know he eats something… but it's usually like…not enough food for an actual person… do you think…" Blaine let his thought trail off. He should have noticed. He knew Sam had been having a hard time a couple weeks ago, but he thought the kid was okay now.

"Honestly, yeah… we might have a problem here." Finn replied. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at the empty chair where Sam usually sat in glee. "Thanks. I'm going to talk to my mom about it; see what we should do."

Blaine hated that this was happening. They had all just dealt with this with Marley, but Sam's case seemed slightly worse, only because if this habit was back, there was another one that might be back with it. "Yeah. Um, let me know what she says. I am actually going to meet Sam now. We're going for a run in the park. Maybe I can see if he wants to get something to eat afterwards. I don't want to make a big deal about this if it's not really a problem."

"Makes sense. Good luck man. I'll talk to you later." Finn hung up and left quickly, hoping his mom would be home.

* * *

The run with Sam was longer than Blaine thought it would be. He liked to think that he was in relatively good shape, but damn, Sam could run for miles.

After two miles Blaine stopped and put his hands on his knees. "Sam, dude, I gotta rest."

Sam turned towards Blaine and kept jogging in place. "Come on man, one more mile? You got this."

Blaine looked up at Sam with confusion. "No Sam, I really don't. We've gone two miles. We need to rest for a minute. Not all of us are superman."

Sam stopped moving and put his hand on Blaine's shoulder. "Alright dude, whatever."

Blaine stood up and rolled his shoulders. "Look, I'm hungry, want to go get something to eat?"

Sam gave a slight shiver at the question but played it off by stretching. "Uh, no. Not really hungry."

Blaine sighed. "Sam you weren't at lunch, so don't tell me you aren't hungry." His tone was angrier than he would have liked, but he was slightly frustrated with Sam, as the suspicions were coming out to be true. He walked over to the bench on the side of the path and sat down.

Sam followed; cursing himself for thinking people wouldn't start to notice how many times he skipped lunch period. "Dude, are you mad at me for something?"

Blaine was baffled. He stared at Sam as he watched his best friend sit down on the bench next to him. "I'm not mad… I just don't get it. I thought you were fine. I thought you'd come talk to me if things were… getting bad again."

"I would. Things aren't bad again Blaine. I haven't cut myself or anything-"

"That's good, but starving yourself is the definition of 'bad again'."

"I don't starve myself... God, I'm not Marley… I eat dinner. Just ask Finn and Carole. I always make sure to eat something every day."

Blaine just wanted to shake Sam until the point got through. "Oh, cool. You eat dinner." He said sarcastically. "You need more than that to survive Sam. Especially with how much you exercise; you need to eat more than a normal person."

Sam stared at his shoes and sighed. "Whatever. I should be getting home. Carole is expecting me… _for dinner._" He said, trying to make a point.

The two walked back to their cars and Blaine hated that they were leaving things like that. "I'll see you tomorrow Sam."

"Yeah. See ya later."

The drive back seemed too long for Sam. He really contemplated driving his car into oncoming traffic or just parking his car on the tracks between Lima and Lima Heights. But he knew he couldn't do that. The other drivers would blame themselves and it'd ruin their cars. The train conductor would hate himself, thinking '_if only I'd have stopped the train sooner that young man would be alive_._'_ No, Sam would drive home, eat some of whatever Carole cooked for dinner, and then go to sleep early. He would continue to live his seemingly pointless life, if only to keep from causing pain for others.

Sam got back and opened the front door. "Carole, I'm home." Sam called as he put his backpack on the floor.

"Sam, bro, how was the run?" Finn asked, entering the room.

"Uh, good. When's dinner?" Sam asked, hoping Blaine didn't talk to Finn about anything.

"Like 10 minutes, Ma ordered pizza."

"Sweet. I'm gonna get in the shower real quick."

After a quick shower, Sam threw on some sweat pants and a t-shirt before heading to the kitchen. He wasn't looking forward to eating. He knew the nutrition facts of pizza by heart and he was going to have to fit in an extra work out tomorrow just for this dinner.

He sat at the table, preparing himself to eat one piece before finding a reason to leave. He'd taken to setting an alarm to his ringtone so it would go off and he could claim it was a phone call he had to take.

Tonight, unbeknownst to Sam, was different. As soon as his phone went off, Carole looked over to him and smiled.

"Could you tell them you'll call back later?"

Sam stared at her as he let the phone ring. Then, gathering his thoughts, he stuttered. "uh… ye..yeah."

He took his phone out of his pocket and turned off the alarm, allowing Finn and Carole to think that he'd sent a call to voicemail.

"Have another piece of pizza Sam." Finn said cautiously.

"You know what, I got something to eat with Blaine. I'm not all that hungry."

Finn sighed, hating that he caught Sam in a lie. "No, you didn't Sam. I called Blaine and I know you didn't. I also know you're not eating lunch. So this needs to stop."

Sam looked down at his empty plate and felt his stomach do flips. He couldn't tell if it was because he was nervous or because he was hungry. He knew he was hungry. He was always hungry lately, but he was used to it, but the nervousness of being confronted was making him hate himself.

"Sam, honey, talk to us." Carole said gently. "How much are you really eating?"

Sam hesitated, wondering if he could actually get away with lying. He looked from Finn to Carole, then back to his plate. "Um… about 1000 calories a day… sometimes less…" _Usually less…_ he thought to himself.

Carole placed her hand over her mouth. Finn knew from all his gym and health classes that the minimum calories a guy needed was 2,500, but if you were working out a lot, you needed way more than that.

He put another piece of pizza on Sam's plate and then went back to his own piece, hoping to down play the scene as much as possible for Sam's sake.

Sam stared at the food that was now on his plate. He knew there was no way out of this now. He was partially grateful that they found out though. He was so tired of being hungry all the time, but he was still scared. He hated that he had to start over again. They had just begun to trust him with his own eating habits but he had to go and fuck it up again. He slowly ate the pizza and hated that he had started to cry. He felt like such a stupid little kid. He was 17 but he was eating dinner and crying about it. He knew that only a year ago his family would have loved to have as good of food that he gets every night.

The rest of dinner was quiet as Sam forced himself to eat 3 more pieces past his original one. Finn then got up and cleared the table as Carole turned to face Sam in his seat.

"Sam, we're going to go to the doctor tomorrow and see just how bad this has gotten. How long has this been happening this time?"

"Um… Like a month I think."

Carole gently placed her hand on Sam's arm. "Okay honey. Can you tell me why you started up again?"

"I just… I mean, I blew my SATs and…I knew I couldn't be smart….so I guess if I couldn't be smart, I could at least look good and…it just…worked."

Carole nodded and sighed. "Alright… Sam have you started cutting too?"

Sam shook his head. He didn't want to admit that he wanted to cut. He almost did the night before, but he knew he couldn't. He let the hunger pains be enough.

"Well that's good. I'm really glad you've stayed strong… why don't you get some rest. You look really tired."

Sam nodded and stood up from the table. What he hated most about not eating properly was the lack of energy he had. He went to his room and lay on his bed. He put his headphones in and listened to his ipod. He let himself cry as he thought about what a mess he was. This family had been so amazing to him. They got him this ipod for Christmas, they fed him, gave him a place to live, made sure he was taken care of, and how did he repay them? By rejecting their food and being selfish in his self-hatred and self-destruction.

He scrolled through his music until he could find the perfect song he would do in glee.

**A/N: I know I kind of rushed the beginning, but I struggled forever to find a good starting place. Please let me know what you guys think about it. I promise it will get better.**


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Carole woke Sam up around 9.

"Sammy, time for breakfast," she said as she knocked on his door.

Sam groaned as he rolled out of bed. "K, be there in a minute."

He looked at his phone and saw he had a couple missed texts. Mainly from Brit and Blaine asking where he was. He quickly texted them back, saying he had a doctor's appointment and he'd be there in time for glee today.

He stretched and looked at himself in the mirror. He could see why people were figuring everything out. His clothes hung off of his body and he looked almost hollow. He could see he'd started to lose muscle despite all the working out he was doing. He was thin though. He stopped in the bathroom quickly before heading downstairs to eat breakfast for the first time in weeks.

"Good, you're up. Your appointment is in an hour… We're having eggs and bacon for breakfast." Carole placed a plate of food in front of Sam. "You can have more if you want, but you need to eat this. Do you want orange juice or milk?"

"Milk I guess," Sam answered as he sat down.

Sam slowly ate all his food and it seemed to please Carole, so he smiled and finished his milk. He went back to his room and began to get ready for the day.

An hour later, Sam was sitting in the hospital waiting to see his doctor and a dietician, again. He knew what they were going to say and he really just wanted to get this over with. Suddenly his doctor entered the room with a short brunette woman following in behind him.

"Hi Sam. Ms. Hudson. How are you both doing today?" Dr. Shevel asked as he closed the door behind the other woman.

Sam just gave a small smile and Carole smiled before answering for both of them. "I'm alright. Sam has been having some trouble though."

"What seems to be the problem Sam," Dr. Shevel asked, taking a seat across from the patient bed Sam was sitting on.

"Um, well I guess my eating…and stuff…"

The doctor nodded and gave a sad smile, marking something in his charts.

"That's what Carole said when she called yesterday… This is our new dietician Ms. Lucy Crane. She's here to help if you'd like."

Sam nodded and Carole knew she was going to be the one filling the doctor on the details. "Sam hasn't been eating properly for about a month. It seems to be anorexia. He said he eats about a thousand calories a day, but he works out so much, I don't think he actually ends up keeping any of it."

"Ah," Dr. Shevel nodded, making another note in his files. "Well. I think it's important we make sure the rest of your body is doing okay."

Sam nodded. "I'm sorry-"

"It's going to be fine Sam. This happens and you don't need to apologize." Dr. Shevel reassured him and stood up to take blood pressure, temperature, and run other basic tests. He took some blood and explained everything that anorexia could be doing to his body.

"You definitely lost too much weight Sam. Your blood pressure as well as your blood sugar level is dangerously low. Luckily there hasn't been too much muscle atrophy. If this had gone on any longer, the damage could have become too severe to completely repair."

"So…I'll be okay?" Sam asked timidly.

"Physically, it will take a while, but you'll be okay if you work at it… I'm going to get these blood samples to the lab, Ms. Crane here can talk with you about a better eating plan. I'll be back in a bit."

Sam spent the next half hour talking to Ms. Crane about how to start eating properly again. He knew it was going to be difficult, but he'd done it once before, so he had to do it again. Not eating was causing too many problems for other people and he couldn't have that happen again.

After the appointment was over, Carole took Sam out to lunch at Breadstix and smiled as he ate the full plate of spaghetti, albeit a kid's portion, but he'd finished it, and that was what was important.

When Sam's stomach was full for the first time in a month, Carole drove him to school so he could make it to his afternoon classes and glee club. He wasn't used to his stomach being full and it kind of hurt.

As they pulled up, Sam stared out the window and sighed. "Thanks for everything Carole."

"Don't worry about it Sam. But please come to me next time, okay? Or go to someone. Don't let this eat you alive."

Sam nodded and gave her a hug before getting out of the car and heading into school.

* * *

That afternoon, Sam stopped in Mr. Schue's office before heading to glee club.

"Mr. Schue, you busy?"

"No, just about to head to glee. What's going on?" Will smiled and grabbed his keys and phone off his desk.

"I was hoping I could sing in glee today."

"Yeah, of course. I didn't know you were feuding with anyone." Will stated with slight confusion.

"Well, not with anyone really… it's more of my own stuff."

"Oh, well, yeah. If you gotta let it out, the floor is yours. Don't worry about it."

Sam smiled and they walked into the choir room. He took a seat next to Britney and held her hand, waiting for Schue to bring everyone out of their side conversations.

"Guys! Feud week is still in full swing! Today we've got Sam up first." Will took a seat and let Sam take the center of the room.

Everyone seemed to be in slight confusion. Artie glanced around the room at everyone else before looking back to Sam. "Dude, who could you possibly have a problem with?"

Sam pulled up a stool and grabbed the nearest guitar. "Um… myself…"

He thought that sounded kind of stupid, but it was true at this point.

No one else spoke as he began to sing.

_When the days are cold  
And the cards all fold  
And the saints we see  
Are all made of gold_

When your dreams all fail  
And the ones we hail  
Are the worst of all  
And the blood's run stale

_I wanna hide the truth  
I wanna shelter you  
But with the beast inside  
There's nowhere we can hide_

_No matter what we breed  
We still are made of greed  
This is my kingdom come  
This is my kingdom come_

Sam could feel the warm tears fall on his cheeks as he kept singing.

_When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide  
Don't get too close  
It's dark inside  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide_

When the curtain's call  
Is the last of all  
When the lights fade out  
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave  
And the masquerade  
Will come calling out  
At the mess you've made

Don't want to let you down  
But I am hell bound  
Though this is all for you  
Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed  
We still are made of greed  
This is my kingdom come  
This is my kingdom come

He loved and hated how honest he was being. He was an emotional wreck on the inside and he knew that he wasn't being fair to the team by keeping everything inside all the time.

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide  
Don't get too close  
It's dark inside  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make  
I say it's up to fate  
It's woven in my soul  
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright  
I want to save that light  
I can't escape this now  
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide  
Don't get too close  
It's dark inside  
It's where my demons hide  
It's where my demons hide

No one said anything as he finished out the last chord and wiped the tears from his eyes.

Finally Mr. Schue broke the silence. "Wow, Sam. That was… wow…"

"Sam what's going on?" Tina asked softly.

Sam sighed and moved his hair out of his eyes. "Well, um… I haven't been having the easiest time this past month and I know… that some of you have noticed the return of some dangerous habits I've had…"

The older glee kids tensed up, remembering the last time one of his 'dangerous habits' showed its ugly head. The newer kids just looked curious and confused. Sam was the happy, crazy, slightly dim-witted, funny guy of the group. They didn't imagine what he was talking about.

Sam continued as he fiddled with the cuffs on his hoodie. "I haven't been eating properly for several weeks… and the doctor said that if I hadn't gotten help now then my body wouldn't have been able to repair itself. I was exercising too much and eating next to nothing… and I just, I kind of needed to get that out."

Tina and Marley began to cry. Tina was crying because she was thinking about last year when they all saw Sam in the hospital. It wasn't for the same reason, but she hated that Sam was still struggling. Marley was crying because she hated that she had been right about Sam. She knew what her eating disorder was like and she could see the pain Sam was in and the fight he was having with himself.

Mr. Schue stood up and pulled Sam in for a hug. "Thanks for sharing with us Sam. We're still always here for you."

Once glee ended for the afternoon, Sam pulled Marley aside in the hallway. "Hey Marley."

"Hey Sam. That was really good in there." She said giving a small smile.

"Thanks," Sam rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. "Look, I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday. I know you were looking out for me and I want to thank you for that."

"Of course Sam, I know you'd do the same."

"That's just it though. I didn't do the same. I should have noticed months ago when you were getting too thin and skipping lunch-"

"How were you supposed to know what I was going through? Don't worry about it Sam."

"Because this isn't a new thing for me Marley. I never completely anorexic though- at least that's what's by the book. I always made sure I wouldn't pass out or anything."

Marley seemed to be slightly embarrassed by the comment, but she knew he didn't mean it as an insult.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice. I just want you to know I'm here for you now too. We can recover together. Cool?"

"Yeah Sam… That'd be great." Marley smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll see you at lunch tomorrow."

Sam laughed and watched her jog to catch up with Jake before he turned to walk with Britney and Blaine.

* * *

**So I had trouble picking a song for Sam to sing. I really did want to include this song at some point in the fic, so I put it here. It's 'Demons' by Imagine Dragons. **

**But I thought about using 'Losing Control' by This Providence or even 'Courage' by SuperChick or 'Over and Over' by Three Days Grace. But none of them seemed right. So hopefully it worked in there. I freaking love Imagine Dragons, and Demons is an epic song. So there you have it. **


	3. Chapter 3

Guilty pleasures week was kind of exciting. Sam was so glad that he and Blaine had come up with the idea. Sam was so glad that he and Blaine and actually become such good friends. He hadn't shared his art with anyone but his art teacher, but it felt great to show the portraits to his best friend. He'd found a sense of relief if making it, even if it was just some stupid macaroni art. It also helped with his eating disorder in a way. It got him more comfortable around food and sometimes it would even make him hungry, so he would know when he needed to eat.

After his glee club confession from last week, everyone was really looking out for Sam. They would make sure he had a place to sit at lunch and Marley talked to her mom about making sure there was something healthy that gave both her and Sam the calories they needed, but wouldn't make them feel like they were eating a lot.

It felt weird to him to be eating normally again. Even if he was having a bad day and would only pick at his food, everyone would engage him in conversation and make sure he finished something from his tray. So he began to feel better and closer to everyone, including the new kids.

He even felt great telling everyone he likes Barry Manalow. It was tough though. He stood in front of the glee club and confessed that he was a huge fan. He really felt closer to everyone as he sang 'Lola' and was glad that some of his secrets weren't as horrible to admit to everyone. This by far was one of the better secrets he'd admitted in the choir room.

But he knew Blaine wasn't being honest. He hated that Blaine knew everything about him, but Blaine was still keeping secrets. He confronted Blaine, hoping that he wasn't mistaken about how good of friends they were.

As soon as Blaine sang again, Sam knew something was up. Sam knew he was stupid, but he wasn't entirely clueless. Blaine hadn't come clean and Sam had to confront him. He found Blaine in the auditorium the next day and told him he knew about Blaine's crush. He loved Blaine's friendship and he didn't like to see Blaine so uncomfortable. He wasn't freaked out. He knew nothing was going to change. He was actually kind of flattered to know that someone could like him even when he was still such a screw up.

* * *

The only thing that really shocked Sam was when Britney discovered a meteor and wanted to spend her time talking to Lord Tubbington rather than with him. If they only had a short time on earth he thought she'd want to be with him. Hell, they had gotten married the last time they thought the world was ending. But he gave up. He helped her sing to her cat and really hoped that she would want to be with him eventually. He loved being with her, but sometimes he wished that she were a little more in tune with what he needed. Not that he'd ever admit he needed anything. He was just getting frustrated because he loved her and they were perfect together, but lately it seemed like Blaine was helping him get through things more than she was.

After it was discovered that the meteor she was talking about wasn't real, they all got together for their first 'Thank God the world isn't ending' glee practice. Not everyone was there yet, but they had to start.

Then, the shots were fired and their world changed. Everyone was unsure of what was happening. As they sat in the dark choir room, Sam watched as everyone was quiet. Will tried to be reassuring. He told them all to text and tweet and let everyone know what was happening. It was then that Sam noticed Britney was missing. He hated sitting there, doing nothing, while everyone was in danger. He made a snap decision and began to crawl across the choir room.

"I have to go. Britney doesn't have her phone on her. She's in the bathroom-"

He was nearly hysterical and luckily Will and Bieste cut him off and sat him down next to Blaine.

"Tina isn't here either." Blaine whispered.

Everyone was crying and texting, trying to stay quiet. Sam tried to focus on breathing. He thought about all the people he would never see again. He thought of Stevie and Stacy, growing up without their big brother. He missed them so badly and just wanted to hug them one last time. He thought of his parents, they had almost lost him not even a year ago, and now they would lose their oldest son. He thought of Britney…how alone she must feel right now. He just wanted to hold her and tell her how much she means to him. His heart was breaking as he thought of her, hiding all alone and scared in the girls' bathroom.

That was the final point; he knew he had to do something. He got up again. He didn't care. If he was going to die, he would go down fighting. He couldn't live if Britney was going to die. If everyone else was going to die, he couldn't be the one to sit in that dark room and do nothing.

He began to sob as Will and Bieste dragged him away from the door and sat him back down with Blaine and Artie. He hated not being in control of his own life; he hated that all his friends were so scared and there was nothing he could do. He hoped that Britney had hidden herself well enough.

Then Artie turned on his camera and gave everyone a chance to talk.

When it came around to him, he tried to keep his tears from falling and knew he couldn't say anything. Bieste was telling them to turn it off and Sam had caused enough noise without adding more. He said a quiet, "I'm sorry" as he pushed Artie's hand away. But then after a moment, Artie brought the camera back to him and he knew what he needed to say.

"Mom, dad, I love you guys and there is a cat in my backpack in my locker. Take care of her for me. I'm sorry for everything I've put everyone through. I wasn't the perfect son, but I love you so much. Tell Stevie and Stacy I will always love them."

The waiting seemed like hours. But then suddenly Mr. Schue came back with Britney. Sam didn't even realize Mr. Schue had left the choir room, but he was glad he did. Sam embraced Britney with such force, hoping to never be separated from her like that again.

As the officers shouted an all clear, everyone's fears became tears of joy, knowing they had survived. The lights came back on and Sam hugged Mr. Schue, knowing that he risked his life for his students and Sam could not have been more grateful for him not letting Sam leave that room. They all cried and embraced in a group hug, even the two random kids that Mr. Schue rescued from the bathroom. They were all alive and Sam was never more grateful for that than he was now.

* * *

Over the next few days he felt completely abnormal. Nothing seemed real and he was on edge all the time. The only thing that kept him going was hanging out with Britney at her house or at the Hudson-Hummel's. He called his parents every night and they would talk for hours about absolutely anything, Sam just needed to hear their voices.

Everyone kept watching the news for those few days. Luckily updates kept coming about how no one was hurt, but the shooter hadn't been found. After a couple days, school had to resume.

The night before they were going to start school, Sam couldn't sleep. He tried, he was so tired, but every time he closed his eyes, the scene in the choir room would start to replay in his head. After the third attempt to calm himself and use his normal coping mechanisms, Sam couldn't breathe. He quickly turned on the light next to his bed and stared at the floor, hoping that he wasn't going to wake anyone up. His heart was racing and he couldn't seem to focus on anything in the room. His skin had goosebumps and he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

He hated panic attacks. He hadn't had one in a while and he hated that nothing was helping him out of it. Making a snap decision, he opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out his scissors. Fingering the sharp point, he couldn't stop crying. Partially because of the panic attack, partially because he knew he shouldn't be relapsing.

He opened the scissors and ran his hand over the blade, just feeling the metal. Finally, he rolled up the sleeve on his hoodie and made a single horizontal cut at the base of his wrist. He slowly pulled the metal across his wrist, allowing the slow buildup of pain bring him back to reality. His breathing became more regular as his blood slowly dripped out of the wound. After a second, slightly deeper cut, his mind eased and the memory of the choir room drifted from his mind. He stared at his wrist and realized what this meant. He dropped the scissors on the bed and brought his uninjured wrist to his forehead, allowing the tears to keep falling from his eyes. He could only hope that no one would notice his relapse and make a big deal out of it. He'd wear a watch for a while until the cuts healed up.

The next day at school, he sat with the glee club in the auditorium they sang 'Say' with them, thankful that they weren't rehearsing in the choir room. He felt so close with all of them again. He knew they all felt the same way. He knew that they were all there for each other.

As they sang, he thought about what he needed to say to these guys. They were his friends and he wouldn't be alive without them. After they finished, they all hugged each other and smiled, just taking in the fact that they were all alive together. He was glad it was Friday. Being back at school for one day was emotionally exhausting and he figured he might feel better about everything come Monday.

* * *

The next week though, something in Sam's head didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to cope with being in school every day when he was still rattled about what happened. He hated walking in the choir room. A place that had once been such a safe place for him now filled him with anxiety. Looking around the room at the memories of panic and fear made him want to hurt himself. He sat in the back of the choir room and began to scratch at his forearm lightly, almost mindlessly. After having no other way to cope, Evan Evans made an appearance. He wasn't sure what he was doing. It was keeping his mind occupied and he didn't even seem to realize that he was doing it. He almost believed that there was another him out there.

Evan could sit in the choir room without the anxiety and Sam could be in other places in the school. It wasn't until Will shouted at all of them and called him out on not having a twin that Sam thought about it. Sam didn't completely understand what Mr. Schue was talking about. Evan was real, Evan went to classes and Sam talked on the phone with Evan all the time.

As soon as Mr. Schue walked out saying they had five minutes before he'd be back, Sam walked out of the classroom. He could faintly hear Blaine calling his name, but he moved on auto pilot towards the bathroom.

He went into the back stall and sat on the toilet seat, staring at the ground. He didn't want to cut in school. It would be stupid, dangerous, and hard to hide. But he also didn't want to have to be in the choir room as Sam. He pulled out his wallet and found the razor that he had put back inside the night before. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He hated that he was cutting on his arm again. He had been trying so hard to get rid of those scars. He opened his eyes and pulled his pants down; knowing he could just cut his thigh and it wouldn't count as much. It almost seemed like if he cut somewhere besides his arm, it wasn't as bad. He was about to cut into his thigh when his thoughts were interrupted.

"Sam?" Blaine walked into the bathroom and stared at the stall doors. "Are you in here?"

Sam snapped his head up and put the razor in the pocket of his jeans before pulling his pants back up. "Um, yeah. Gimme a second."

Blaine leaned against the sinks, hoping Sam was okay.

Sam composed himself, flushed the unused toilet, and opened the stall door. "Hey Blaine. What's up?"

"Are you alright man? You didn't…"

"No, yeah, I'm fine. I just needed a minute." Sam went to the sink and splashed water on his face.

"Are you okay to go back in there?" Blaine could see Sam was on edge and he wasn't sure how much Sam could be pushed.

"I think I'll be okay. I just don't like being in there."

"I get it. But we can do this okay?"

Sam nodded and gave a weak smile as they walked out of the bathroom back to the choir room.

The rest of rehearsal that day was rough. No one wanted to be doing those songs and they were all on edge because Mr. Schue was being a hard-ass. Sam tried to just focus on the dances Mr. Schue was teaching them. He really wanted to leave and he was getting more and more frustrated with Mr. Schue as rehearsal continued. He tried not to think about that though. He knew that last week must have been hard on Mr. Schue too and he was just dealing with it in his own way.

Finally, rehearsal ended and everyone went their separate ways. Sam knew he should have asked Britney or Blaine to go home with him, he knew he should have told someone what he was about to do, but he could tell everyone just wanted to be alone. So Sam drove back to the Hudson-Hummel's and went straight to his room.

He ran into Carole in the hallway and put on his best smile.

"Hey Sam, how was school today?"

"It was alright. Rehearsal was rough, I think I'm gonna get some rest before dinner, if that's okay."

"Of course, that sounds good. I'll get you when it's time to eat." Carole smiled and ruffled Sam's hair before walking downstairs.

Sam went into his room and closed the door. He didn't know why he was lying. He could have just told Carole the truth and gotten help, but he couldn't. He needed this…again. He needed to hurt himself; everything else they told him to do wasn't working anymore.

He took his pants off and took the razor out of his pocket before sitting on his bed. He took his ipod off his night stand and turned on his depressing playlist. He was sure people would get suspicious just from this playlist; all the songs had some sort of reference to depression or self-harm.

So with 'How to fix everything' by Bayside playing through his headphones, Sam made a slow cut into his left thigh. He watched the blood trickle out of the new cut and hated that he actually felt relief. He knew how entirely wrong this was but at the same time, he wasn't hurting anyone but himself. Everyone in glee might think otherwise, but they didn't need to know. As long as he stayed out of the hospital, everything would be okay.

* * *

The next day, Sam knew it didn't matter what Mr. Schue said. Evan was needed and Sam would have to show everyone just how real Evan was. Sam moved to Alaska and Evan would take over for Sam and get his grades up. Evan didn't have an eating disorder, Evan didn't self-harm, and Evan wasn't a failure.

But then Finn came back, Mr. Schuester apologized, and Evan just wasn't needed anymore. Sam knew he had a lot to deal with, but he realized he had been pretending all week. He became Sam again as they walked to the auditorium to learn Marley's song. He felt better knowing his mind was back together.

Marley's song 'Outcasts' really struck him. He knew everyone in glee had seen his old scars on his arm. The new guys never asked about them, but they knew. And Marley's song kind of influenced his reasons to stay quiet about his relapse. He really was stronger from every scar. The only reason he was alive was because his cuts were scars and not fatal wounds.


	4. Chapter 4

Unplugged week was actually kind of fun. The lights were off and it was awesome to walk around in the dark. He was comfortable with doing things without electricity. He spent a lot of nights at home in the dark when his family didn't have any electricity. He sang an acoustic version of 'Loving Feeling' but was kind of upset when Artie complained about how he couldn't sing without his synthesizer.

Everyone in glee had always taken everything they had for granted. He'd experienced their selfishness and total lack of empathy before, but he just hated that after all this time, they could still be so wrapped up in themselves.

He really thought that would be the biggest problem of the week. But then Ryder told them about his past. He was so vulnerable as he told them all that he was molested and Sam didn't know how to handle it. He wanted to cry but he just made douchebag comments and played it off like Ryder was the luckiest guy. He couldn't admit that Ryder's admission made Sam want to hurt himself right there and then. He didn't understand why, maybe it was because he knew what unwanted sexual attention was like. Sure, he'd made his decisions to strip and sell himself, but he never wanted that. He sometimes still hated himself for it.

After glee, Blaine pulled him aside in the hallway.

"Sam, are you okay?" Blaine looked at Sam and saw how stressed the kid was. "And don't lie to me, that back there wasn't like you."

Sam sighed. He didn't want to deal with this. "I don't know Blaine. I just…I don't know how to deal with _that_." Sam pointed back towards the choir room and closed his eyes slowly, taking in a deep breath.

Blaine could see Sam was struggling and wasn't sure what to say. "Sam… just… talk to me. What's going through your head?"

Sam knew he couldn't cry. He kind of wanted to, but not here, not now. "I… I kind of don't want to talk about it here…"

Blaine looked around. He could understand that. It was after school and no one was really around, but still, it was understandable. "Come on. Let's go back to your place and we'll talk."

Sam nodded. He didn't even bother to correct Blaine. Usually he hated calling the Hudson-Hummel's his place, but he was too tired to care.

* * *

As they sat in the living room, Sam stared at the table. Too many of his confessions had come out in this room.

"So, what was that douchebag comment really about?" Blaine asked, breaking the silence.

"It's just, I… what he was talking about. It made me think about all the crap I used to do and how… horrible it made me feel. I hated that he felt like that too… even though I brought that all on myself…he didn't."

Blaine stared at him and realized it was going to take a long time for Sam to actually be okay again. "Sam. You did not bring that all on yourself. I think that you need to apologize to Ryder and explain to him that you understand him. I mean, if you can be there for him, he needs that kind of support."

"I know you're right man, but I just… I wanted to hurt myself again, ya know…" Sam sighed and rubbed his arm, knowing he would probably cut his thigh again tonight like he had been doing every night recently.

"I get it. Just…talk to him tomorrow… okay?"

"Yeah… I will."

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing Call of Duty until Carole came in and announced it was time for dinner.

"Blaine, why don't you stay?" Carole offered as she noticed he was still there.

"Thanks Carole. I'd love to." Blaine smiled and fired off the last shot of the game.

Sam sighed, hoping that they wouldn't notice. He'd been eating at every meal, but it was still difficult ever since they confronted him about his eating disorder.

Blaine pulled Sam off the couch. "Come on, food's getting cold."

Dinner was surprisingly easy to eat. He was in a fun conversation with Blaine and Carole and didn't realize how much he had eaten until there wasn't any food left on his plate.

"That was delicious Carole… Thanks," Sam complimented as he got up to clear his dishes.

"I'm glad you like it. I'll mark it down as one you like."

Sam smiled. "Well I should get some homework done, Blaine do you want to stay and do some homework?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

The two spent the next couple hours completing their homework before Blaine had to go home.

Once Blaine left, Sam was still in a fairly fine mood. He looked at the clock and saw it was getting pretty late. He was going to get up early the next morning for a run before school, so he needed to get some sleep.

He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed. He sighed and turned off the light, hoping sleep would come quickly. He closed his eyes, but his thoughts seemed to drift. He began to remember Ryder sitting in the choir room surrounded by all the candles; the pain etched onto Ryder's face as he confessed what he'd never said out loud. It made Sam want to cry, seeing someone try to hold in that much emotion. He then remembered Ryder's face as Sam said Ryder was a lucky guy. Sam was mentally kicking himself for that. He could see all hope and pleading leave Ryder's eyes. He'd only wanted the glee kids to support him and make him feel like they understood him, but Sam ruined that. Sam opened his eyes and knew he had to cut in order to get any sleep tonight. Not only because it would calm his mind, but because he deserved it. He'd caused Ryder pain, and Sam needed to pay for that.

* * *

The next day was fairly good for Sam. His only set back was after his run before school. His thigh had started bleeding during his run because of the friction on his cuts from last night.

After a shower and bandaging his leg up properly, he gathered his stuff and went to school. He did fine in his morning classes and texted Ryder, asking him to show up early before glee that afternoon. He ate lunch with Marley and the other glee kids, laughing and forgetting his anxieties. Then his afternoon classes were boring, but Sam did his best to pay attention and read what he could off the board.

Finally, it was almost time for glee. He had about half an hour to talk to Ryder before everyone would be in the choir room. He walked into the choir room and was glad that Ryder actually showed up. He closed the door behind him and took a seat next to the younger kid.

"Hey man."

"What do you want Sam?" Ryder knew he sounded mean, but he was frustrated and bitter.

"I wanted to apologize for being a douchebag yesterday." Sam said, turning on the lantern he took from the piano.

Ryder looked up at Sam and was slightly shocked. "You what?"

"Yeah. The comments I made yesterday were way out of line… I felt like a dick and I honestly don't know why I couldn't have just talked to you about it yesterday."

"Um…it's cool I guess-" Ryder began.

"No, it's really not. Ryder, I've went through a lot of crap last year and the glee club was there for me in more ways than I ever thought possible. And I blew my chance to be there for you on this."

Ryder tilted his head; Sam really was being cryptic about everything. "Sam… were you…"

"Not exactly… No one outside of glee knows about this, but I was more than just a stripper back in Kentucky…" He sighed. "I didn't want to, but I kind of sold myself at the motel near the strip club."

Ryder could barely believe what he was hearing.

"I mean, technically it was consensual and all, but sometimes, I don't know… my therapist says I was forced because of my circumstances… I had to feed my family, ya know… so I did a lot of things I didn't actually want to do." Sam seemed to get lost in his own head for a minute. He remembered the guys he was with and the dirty motel rooms he'd gotten more than used to. A shiver went through his body as he snapped back to the moment.

"Anyway, the point is that I understand what it's like to have unwanted sexual… stuff. I don't think that what you went through was a perfect fantasy. A lot of people think getting paid for sex would be great too, but I get it, it sucks and people aren't going to understand it… I'm sorry for saying all that shit yesterday."

Ryder stared blankly for a minute, soaking in all the information that Sam just gave him.

"Thanks Sam… I'm just glad you aren't actually an ass." He laughed, trying to relieve some tension. "I'm sorry about all the shit you went through. It sounds tough too…"

"Yeah… It sucked, but it's over. Now I just gotta get through the aftermath… you might want to think about seeing someone too. I didn't want a therapist at first, but the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I manned up and accepted help. You can ask any of the glee kids from last year, it got pretty bad… If you ever need, you can talk to me too."

"I'll think about it. Thanks dude."

Their conversation was deemed over as Unique, Artie, and Kitty all entered the room. Sam was thankful that he'd gotten through that without breaking down or making another stupid comment. If it weren't for the fresh cuts that he had made the night before, he would have thought he was actually getting better.


	5. Chapter 5

Ryder watched Sam during glee all that afternoon after Sam confessed his past. Ryder could barely believe that Sam had been in such an odd and disturbing situation. He was still just a teenager, and he was so caring. Sure, he'd made a horrible comment yesterday, but the comment shocked Ryder more than anything. He never thought Sam would be such an asshole. Sam had always been one of the most laid back but caring guys in the group. Ryder was more hurt than anything that Sam hadn't been supportive. But a sense of relief washed over Ryder as Sam told him that he was sorry. The boys kind of understood each other and Ryder hoped they could have more of a friendship now.

But as he watched Sam work on the choreography with the others, Ryder could see something wasn't quite right with the older teen. It was as if he was preoccupied and distant in his interactions with the others. Ryder knew he needed to find the whole story from someone.

After glee, Ryder approached Tina when she walked into the hallway.

"Tina! Can I get a minute?"

"Sure," Tina sounded surprised, but she smiled. "What can I do for you?"

"Um…" He gently guided her into an empty classroom. "I was hoping to talk to you about Sam."

The smile faded from Tina's face into a look of worry. "Sure I guess. But why?"

Ryder took a seat into a desk in the front row, sitting sideways so he faced her. "He talked to me before glee today… about what he really did in Kentucky…"

"Oh." Tina set her books down and took a seat in the desk next to Ryder. She hadn't imagined Sam would tell anyone else after it came out last year. "What'd he say?"

"Well. He apologized for the comments he made yesterday. He told me about what he'd done and how much it messed him up too. But he was saying you guys helped him out a lot… I just, he was really cryptic and I was hoping to know the whole story because he seemed out of it in glee today… and we've all seen the scars on his arms… is that what he was talking about?"

Tina sighed slightly. She really hated remembering what happened to Sam last year.

"Kind of… Sam had started hurting himself back in Kentucky and when he came back, even though he wasn't… selling himself… he still hated himself and thought that if we knew, we'd hate him too. So he grew distant and what he was doing was dangerous. I mean, I don't want to tell Sam's entire story. It's kind of his to tell, but long story short, he almost died and we had to get him to see that what he had to do for his family didn't make him a horrible person."

Ryder looked at the floor, hoping Sam would tell the whole story someday, but accepting what he now knew.

"Ryder…" Tina hesitated. "We're going to help you too… It was really shocking yesterday, but none of us think anything different of you. We just want you to be okay. What happened wasn't okay and it wasn't your fault. If you ever need someone to talk to, you do have us, and Sam would do anything for you… for any of us."

Ryder nodded. He had a long way to go with girls, but he was glad he could kind of trust Tina. Maybe he'd talk to Sam about it later.

* * *

The next week, Britney came back from MIT with an attitude that Sam just couldn't understand. He tried to confront her but she broke up with him via text and left the room.

He called Santana. He was desperate. He wanted to get help for Britney. He didn't even care if they got back together; he just knew something was going on with her and it couldn't be good. He loved her too much to see an actual breakdown, not just a Brittany Spears imitation breakdown she'd done earlier in the year. That night, Sam cut his thigh deeper than he should have.

He hated that Britney broke up with him. He had handled it okay in front of the group, but he was devastated about whatever was happening to Britney. He loved her so much more than he'd loved anyone. Sure, he'd loved Quinn and Mercedes, but Britney was somehow different. He felt like he actually deserved her. For the first time, he felt like he was meant for someone. So his heart was broken and the only way to control his pain was to create physical pain for himself. He probably should have gotten stitches that night, but he knew it'd be fine. He hadn't hit a vein; it was just a lot of bleeding. He wrapped his thigh in a towel and fell asleep, not even worrying about stopping the bleeding before drifting off.

The next day was Saturday. He woke up around 11 AM to a phone call from Ryder.

The phone got half way through his ringtone before he answered.

"Ryder. What's goin' on?"

"Hey Sam, just wondering what you're up to today?"

Sam thought for a moment. Unless Britney got back together with him, he didn't have any plans anymore. "Nothing anymore. Why?" He slowly sat up on his bed as he listened to Ryder.

"Well… I know this may sound weird, but I kind of need someone to talk to about stuff… I mean, you said you could-"

Sam cut him off, "Oh yeah, of course dude. It's not a problem. You wanna come over here or I can come over. Pizza, video games, and a manly talk about feelings. It's totally perfect."

Ryder laughed. "Sounds great man. I could really use a day like that. My parents are working until like 8 tonight, so you wanna come over here?"

"Sure. I'll be over in like an hour or so. Make sure the pizza's there in time." Sam laughed and was actually proud of himself for not thinking about how many calories were in pizza before he suggested it. He felt like a normal teenage boy.

After hanging up with Ryder, Sam looked at his thigh. It burned with pain and he could see a spot in the towel where he'd bleed through. Slowly, he unwrapped the towel from his cuts and hissed with pain as the towel peeled off the scabs that had formed overnight. Blood began to seep out of a couple of the cuts again as he stared, taking in the damage.

He sighed and threw the towel in his old duffle bag. He would make sure to wash it with laundry that he'd do himself. If he left it in the hamper, Carole might see it when she did weekly laundry for everyone.

Carefully, he put on a pair of sweatpants so he could walk to the bathroom for a shower. Luckily, he didn't run into anyone and he wasn't in his pants long enough to have blood seep through those too.

After a quick shower and rewrapping his leg, he got dressed and drove to Ryder's house.

* * *

Ryder's house was a normal suburban home, very typical for most families in Lima. It wasn't too big, but a good size for a family to live a happy life in. He nodded to the pizza man as he passed him on the way to Ryder's front door. He'd arrived with perfect timing.

He rang the doorbell and smiled as Ryder opened the door.

"Hey man! I see I'm just in time."

"Yeah, pizza just got here. Come on in." Ryder moved aside, allowing Sam to enter the house and take off his shoes.

The boys walked into the living room where the pizza box sat on the coffee table in front of the black leather couch that faced the TV.

"Make yourself at home. What do you want to drink?" Ryder asked, heading towards the connecting kitchen.

"Just water," Sam answered as he sat down. He was glad that his dietician had agreed that soda wasn't healthy and it was okay to cut out of his diet.

Sam looked around the living room as he waited for Ryder. He'd never been in the younger teen's house before. It was nice. Very clean except for a couple out of place books and DVD cases. He then noticed the shelf of DVDs and video games and got up to take a closer look.

As Sam was slowly reading through the titles, Ryder came back in.

"Yeah… being an only child, my parents kind of spoil me on holidays." Ryder laughed. "I have far too many games."

"Dude," Sam exclaimed when he got to one of the games. "You've got Street Fighter! We gotta play this one. I'm a master."

"Hmmm… I don't know man, I don't want to take away your self-given title on that." Ryder smiled and set the drinks down with the pizza before taking the game from Sam.

Sam laughed and went back to sit on the couch. As Ryder turned on the TV and system, setting up the game, Sam opened the pizza box, getting started on his first piece.

Once the game was ready, Ryder went and sat next to Sam on the couch and smiled, glad the guy was eating after his confession a couple weeks before.

For a while, the two ate pizza and did a few warm up rounds on the game, getting used to the old controls of the characters.

Finally once the pizza was finished and the boys had settled into a nice banter about who the better player was, they started a new fight and Sam changed the topic.

"So, how are you doing man?" Sam asked as his character delivered a well-timed kick to Ryder's.

Ryder didn't take his eyes off the screen as he began to talk. "I don't know. I just…damn it-" He said quickly as he tried to defend his character and fight against Sam.

"Sorry, um. I just kind of don't really know what I'm supposed to do now."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, as he too, didn't veer his attention from the game.

"Well, I thought telling everyone would make me feel better, you know, get it off my chest." Ryder was rapidly pressing buttons, trying to get his character to be released from Sam's vice grip.

"Didn't it help a little? Do you feel any differently?"

"Kind of, but at the same time, I also feel worse." Ryder admitted.

"Dude, I'm telling you, you need a therapist." Sam delivered the fatal blow to Ryder's character and the game stared round 2.

"Gah, you are good." Ryder said as he prepped for round 2.

"Told you," Sam smiled. "But honestly, you need to actually think about what happened. You can't just ignore it and hope the feelings will go away."

"But how do you know? I've survived so far."

"I can tell you from experience. Ignoring it will make you explode. I literally screamed at everyone in glee last year when I admitted what was wrong."

Round 2 was much shorter and Sam won that round as well, meaning there was not round 3.

Sam set his controller down and turned to Ryder, foregoing the typical guy therapy for a minute, knowing Ryder needed something real.

"It's cliché, but talking about the problem actually does help you get through it." Sam spoke as Ryder turned, letting Sam continue.

"I'm not saying that you'll never feel bad about it ever again, but eventually it will get easier and you'll learn how to deal with it better… You said you have trouble trusting girls 'cause of all of this, well, eventually- if you talk about it- that will get better too. You'll learn how to figure out who's going to hurt you and who isn't."

Ryder looked semi-relieved. "I guess so… I just got so tired of keeping this secret and always feeling like crap because of it."

"I get that man. But don't ever feel bad about yourself because of what she did. It's not worth it. You're so much better than her."

Ryder nodded and picked his controller back up, letting Sam know that it was alright to get out of touchy-feely time.

"So," Sam smiled. "Is there any game you're actually good at or am I going to beat you in everything we play today?"

The boys spent the rest of their Saturday playing videogames and cracking jokes, they even invited some of the other glee guys over, making it a surprisingly good night for everyone.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam stood in the choir room, silently hating Jake for drawing attention towards Sam.

It was the day before Regionals and Tina was having everyone try on their outfits so she could make any last minute adjustments if they needed.

All the glee guys were changing behind a curtain in the back right corner and all the girls had a changing curtain in the left corner. Most of the guys had already changed, so Sam went behind the curtain and began to change, knowing because of his cuts and scars, he couldn't change with anyone else in the room. He was down to his boxer-briefs when Jake walked in.

"What the fuck Sam?" Jake said louder than he should have. He was honestly confused about what he was seeing. Both of Sam's thighs were covered in cuts, scars, and scabs. It scared him to see such horrific injuries on his friend that he'd just hung out with that weekend.

"Dude, get out." Sam nearly snarled at him. This was not how he wanted this to be happening.

It was far too late though. Tina and Mr. Schue were already moving up behind Jake. Sam made a move to grab his jeans, but Jake blocked him.

"Guys? What's going on here?" Mr. Schue used his best calm but authoritative voice but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Sam.

"Seriously, don't be screwing around, we don't-" Tina stopped speaking when she too approached the situation and saw the problem. "Oh…"

"Just let me get dressed please…" Sam was practically begging. He didn't need people to see what he had done.

Mr. Schue sighed and ran his hand over his face. "Sam, you need to have those looked at."

By this time, most of the other glee kids had made their way over towards the curtain. Mr. Schue should have probably stopped them all, but he was far too worried and couldn't take his attention off of the angry red cuts that contrasted Sam's white skin.

Luckily Blaine could see the desperate pleading in Sam's eyes. He stepped in front of everyone and grabbed Sam's jeans from Jake's hands before handing them to Sam.

"Get dressed. We'll talk in a minute." Blaine told Sam quietly. He then turned to the group of glee kids and Mr. Schue and pushed them past the curtain, allowing it to fall closed.

Mr. Schue seemed to snap back to his surroundings. "Ok. Everyone go to the auditorium and go over the choreography. We'll finish the fittings in half an hour."

No one seemed to move. They all just looked at each other and then back at Mr. Schue.

"I said, go." Mr. Schue tried to be authoritative again, but his voice shook slightly. He didn't want it to show, but he was scared for the boy. He had just flashed back to finding an unconscious and bloody Sam only a year before.

Everyone slowly left the choir room and went to go practice, wishing they could stay and find out about Sam.

Blaine was the only one that stayed behind. Once everyone had left, Mr. Schue shut the doors to the choir room and Blaine walked back towards the curtain.

"Sam, you gotta talk to us now. It's just Mr. Schue and I." Blaine assured.

Slowly, Sam walked out fully clothed and took a seat in the front row. Blaine and Mr. Schue pulled seats up near him so they were in a small triangle.

As soon as they were seated, Sam began to speak quietly. "I'm sorry guys. I know I shouldn't-"

"Sam, stop." Mr. Schue said firmly but gently. "Apologies aren't what we need right now."

Sam stared at the space between Blaine and Mr. Schue, not knowing what else to say besides sorry.

Blaine looked at Mr. Schue, not knowing if he should start asking or not. Luckily, Mr. Schue took the lead. "When'd you start again?"

It was a simple enough question, but Sam didn't want to answer. He waited a moment, but Blaine placed his hand on Sam's shoulder and Sam opened up. "A couple days after the shooting."

Mr. Schue was mentally kicking himself. He should have paid more attention. The appearance of 'Evan' had been a cry for help and Will missed it. He was too caught up in his own stuff to really think about what the kids might turn to in order to cope with their fears and stress.

"I'm sorry I missed it Sam."

"It's not like I told anyone… I made sure to keep it hidden. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it… but nothing else was helping anymore. The panic attacks were bad and it was the only thing that helped again."

Blaine stared at Sam, wishing he had known. "Why didn't you tell anyone though? You know you have tons of people who are here for you."

"I don't know. I just… everyone has their own stuff to deal with… and I didn't want to burden everyone again… and I just…don't know."

Tears began to fall from Sam's eyes and Mr. Schue hated that Sam was still struggling so much.

"It's okay Sam. We're going to help you with this. You've had a lot happening this year and we just need to readjust."

There was silence for a while until Sam spoke up again. "What are we going to tell everyone else?"

"That's up to you Sam. Some of them were around last year; others have just seen the scars. You don't need to say anything you're not comfortable sharing," Mr. Schue said gently.

Sam thought about it. Now they'd all seen the cuts, and their questions were bound to be endless…again.

* * *

Meanwhile, no one had practiced anything in the auditorium. As soon as they got on stage, Jake began with the questions.

"What the fuck was all of that about? Why is he hurting himself, and why are we being sent away?" Jake definitely had the Puckerman anger that rivaled his older brother's.

Tina wanted him to shut up, but she knew that he was only worried. So they all sat on the stage and the story began to unfold.

No one mentioned the prostitution. Everyone who knew about it, also knew it was something that Sam would tell to the people he needed to. The only ones who didn't know were Kitty, Marley, Unique, and Jake. But Tina began with the story that couldn't be avoided.

"Last year…when we got Sam to come back, he came back different. He had been through a lot while he was in Kentucky and the only way he was able to get through it was by hurting himself."

Jake was about to interrupt, but Tina kept going. "It doesn't make sense, but it helped him. He said the pain is something he can control."

She sighed and continued. "Sam has had a lot of issues… but after…we didn't know…" Tina began to cry and Artie took it as his cue to pick up the story.

"Sam was in the hospital last February because he went too deep… He almost died, and that kind of brought everything out and made him get help. As far as any of us knew, he hasn't hurt himself since then… but now something must have changed."

No one said anything. They just sat there, trying to comprehend the new information. Kitty was the first one to say anything. "Well that's just dumb. If he almost died, why would he start again? And if we're all so close, why couldn't he just say something?"

"Girl, you need to learn how to shut your mouth," Unique interrupted. Kitty looked insulted, but Unique didn't hesitate. "Things aren't always that simple."

"Look, none of that matters. We're all here to support him because he's always here to support us," Ryder said decisively.

"No he isn't. He was a jerk to you when you needed support the other week," Kitty interjected.

"At first, yeah, but he came and talked to me later. He's actually a really amazing guy. He apologized and offered help. He gets me. He gets all of us, a lot more than we realize."

Tina wiped her eyes and chimed in. "He always knows how to help people, even if it's going to set him back."

Mr. Schue walked in right as Tina was finished talking and looked at his group of kids. "I take it there was no dancing for the past 20 minutes?"

"Sorry Mr. Schue, we just needed to talk-" Marley began.

"I know, don't worry about it. Sam and Blaine are going to join us in a minute. Just listen to Sam alright, don't push him."

Everyone nodded and waited for their answers.

Sam and Blaine walked in and sat down on the stage with everyone else. Blaine squeezed Sam's shoulder gently, letting him know he had support.

"I'm sorry you all had to see that. I was doing better for a while… but then the… shooting… and I started having panic attacks and nothing helped… so I went back to what I knew would calm me down…" Sam took a deep breath, trying not to look at anyone directly.

"I know I should have talked to someone about it. I could have gotten help, but I didn't. We were all dealing with that whole thing in our own way and I didn't want to make a big deal about it."

"Sam… we're always going to want to help you. No matter what we're dealing with on our own, you're always there for us and we're always here for you." Marley spoke softly.

Sam accepted what she said, but still didn't seem to believe it. He could only remember the times where he screwed up.

"She's right dude," Jake picked up. "You've been able to help everyone here with something. I mean, I know you've helped Marley so much more than any of the rest of us. You helped me sort shit out with Puck-"

"And seriously man, I've started seeing a therapist now 'cause you talked with me." Ryder added.

Sam wiped away the few tears that had fallen from his face and stood up. "Thanks guys. I… I need to go home and deal with stuff, but I'll see you all tomorrow and we'll dominate Regionals. Okay?"

Everyone nodded and Artie smiled. "Group hug?" He asked with a smirk.

Sam laughed and they all joined in for a group hug, happy that Sam was going to be okay again.

* * *

Blaine drove Sam's car back to the Hudson-Hummel's. Sam was in no shape to drive and he was now intending to spend the night to help Sam through things.

"You're going to be fine again Sam," Blain assured his best friend.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel that way." Sam confessed. "Like, even the days that are good, I still think about hurting myself… and the longer I go without it, the worse the relapses get… I just am so sick of being broken."

"We'll get you through it man, just like we get through everything else together."

The two teens arrived at the house and Blaine parked the car in the driveway. As soon as they walked in the house Carole came out with a tray of cookies in her hand.

"Boys, don't you have glee practice until late tonight? Regionals are tomorrow…"

"Yeah, Sam and I had to leave early. There are some things we need to deal with that are more important than Regionals," Blaine told her, adding a look that told her this was serious and she was needed.

"Oh. Well, let me get the rest of the cookies out of the oven. Come sit at the table." Carole turned and led the boys back into the kitchen. They sat down as she placed the plate of cookies down in between them and went to get the tray out of the oven.

"I'm baking these for tomorrow for you kids. Go ahead and try them, make sure they're perfect."

Both Blaine and Sam took a cookie and began to eat. "They're amazing." Sam said softly.

"Alright," Carole said lightly as she turned off the oven and sat down with the boys. "What's going on?"

Blaine looked at Sam but knew he wouldn't want to admit what he'd been doing again. "We found out that… Sam has been cutting again."

Carole sighed, but didn't show her slight disappointment and frustration. She loved this boy like her own and hated that he was struggling so much under her own roof.

"I see… Sam, can you talk to me, please?"

Sam nodded and finished his cookie quickly. "I guess I just couldn't put everyone through this again, but I needed it… After the shooting… none of the things that usually helped were working anymore. The panic attacks were intense and… I didn't want to be sent back to the hospital…"

Carole felt some tension shift in her shoulders. She too had been having trouble after the shooting. She knew everyone probably was, but she never imagined Sam would start hurting himself again. She was sure he would ask for help. He should know better by now.

"Alright Sam," she thought for a moment. They needed a plan. "You see your therapist once a week right now?" With a nod from Sam, she continued. "Okay, we're going to see if there's anything she can give you to help with the panic attacks… are you okay with medication?"

Sam wasn't really sure about it. He'd never really thought about being put on medication for anything going on in his mind. "I don't know. I guess I would be okay with it."

Blaine could see Sam was mentally debating it. "You know Sam, before I transferred to Dalton, I was on some anti-anxiety meds. They helped a lot. It could only be temporary, you never know, they might help."

Carole nodded, she understood his slight hesitation. "Well we'll see what she says, okay? Also, you need to talk to your parents about this again. I want you to go visit them for spring break."

Sam stared at his hands on the table. He dreaded disappointing his parents again. He still talked to them every other day per their agreement from last year, but they would hate that he hadn't told them about this. "Yeah," he said meekly.

"Alright. Well, dinner will be in a couple hours. Why don't you boys get some homework done or watch some TV." Carole stood up and walked back over towards the stove.

Sam walked into the living room quietly, wondering what he should do next. Blaine waited a moment and then approached Carole.

"Carole, is it cool if I spend the night?"

"Oh honey, I just assumed you would." She smiled and pulled Blaine in for a hug. "Thank you for looking out for him."

The boys didn't really talk about things that night. They did practice a bit for the competition tomorrow, but mostly they played video games and watched TV before going to sleep early, knowing they had a long day tomorrow.

* * *

When New Directions won Regionals, the next day, Sam could barely believe it. He was so amazed that they had done it again. This team was unstoppable and as they stood in the choir room watching Mr. Schue getting married, Sam couldn't tell what would happen next. He was losing Britney for good, but he still had all the other glee kids and he still had an entire future to plan out.

* * *

**So this is it. I will write another story at the end of season 5. Hopefully you liked it. I don't think it's as good as the first one, but I couldn't just not write it. So let me know your thoughts. Anything you'd want to see in the next story? I love feedback, good or bad. Thanks :)**


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